Moving can be depressing. Rooms that were once adorned with lantern lights and holiday decorations are suddenly void of any character. Arms grow sore from strenuous box lifting, and voices grow loud during the inevitable who-gets-to-take-what conversations.
The most depressing point of my recent move came when I visited the old apartment after the movers drove away. I entered my room, expecting it to be empty save a few dust…friends. What I found was more disturbing than any rodent or mountain of dirt. Sitting on my floor, now unearthed due to the removal of my bed, was a box. A box given to me by my mother. A box I had been trying to forget I owned, and had successfully done, until now. A box labeled “Breast Enhancers.”
I was depressed on moving day.
Speaking of busts, moving day wasn’t a total one, as I was able to bond with the movers. There were three of them, one Russian, one with a ponytail, and one who was rather ambiguous. The pony-tailed mover stole my heart just a little but it was the Russian with whom I forged a special bond. He liked my new apartment, I liked his accent, and the fact that he could lift a couch with the greatest of ease.
Unpacking is worse than packing because the options for where items can go are endless. In order to get through this nightmare, I have developed a system I refer to as “unpack one or two things and get a sizable reward.” My rewards are most often in two forms: movies, and carrots. Unfortunately, the incredible amount of unpacking has left my hands more orange than usual, and I’ve no choice but to favor the movie option.
A lesson I learned the hard way: do not watch “Fatal Attraction” as a reward for a session of unpacking. No, this movie is a punishment. Glenn Close is terrifying, there is too much blood, and Michael Douglas is more attractive in his later films. Should have gone with a carrot.
In order to complete the move, Sylvie and I need your help. Aside from the normal things like pencils, quarters, and Breast Enhancers, we’ve discovered countless items we no longer need, but believe others do. These items have been placed into a box, aptly named the “Free Box.” To make things easy for potential takers, and to allow ourselves one final photo shoot in the old place, we put the items into categories, or rather “Collections,” and took pictures to display them to potential buyers. Two such collections are the “Romance” collection, composed of a single dried rose and a half empty box of Hershey’s Cocoa Powder, and the “Back to Skool” collection, a lunchbox I scored in a secret Santa exchange, a Japanese pencil case roomy enough to hold one pencil, and a package of name tags. My favorite collection is probably the “Random” collection because the photo for this allowed me to balance items on my head. I didn’t drop them, and I felt pretty proud of myself for the rest of the day.
Please request these free items. You would be doing a disservice by letting such gifts pass you by, as the state of the economy requires we be smart with our spending. And what’s smarter than not spending at all and still coming away with a plastic frog and handful of dreidels? Not a lot.